Does Anyone Know Any Good Jokes?

There are 5 guys on a plane. A preacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a little kid, and the pilot. The pilot comes over the intercom saying "Mayday! We're going down and there's only 4 parachutes on board! You decide who's staying but I'm jumping! See you!" and jumps with one of the parachutes. The doctor says "I've saved lives for years! I don't deserve to die! I'm going to save another life right now! Mine!" and jumps with his own parachute. The lawyer walks up to the preacher and kid and says while holding his own pack "I'm the smartest man in the world! I've won millions of cases! I can't die! I'm jumping weather you like it or not" and jumps.  The preacher goes to the little kid and tells him "I've lived a long and happy life. You can take the last parachute. Save yourself" "No" the little kid says, "I can take this one and you can take this one" "What do you mean?" the preacher asks. The kid says "The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!"

Quasimodo came home from work and his wife had a wok in her hand and he said hello darling are we having chinese tonight? No she said I'm ironing your shirts. (I know don't blame me blame my chef)

if money doesn't grow on trees , why do banks have branches?
If a deaf person has to go to court ,is it still called an hearing?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

I think that is enough from me  I'm cracking up lol

You can't sleep with me.

.....because I'm not tired=)

What do you get when you cross a primate with an ocean?
A chimpan-sea.

Yeah, chronic, eh?

That's the trouble with humour it is subjective and doesn't always travel well. One person's good joke is another's inanity. Telling jokes, therefore, is as much about the audience as the way they are delivered.

For instance, if you have a dry sense of humour you might like this one. Then again, maybe not.

"I was in this city I'd never been to before and got lost. So there I was standing around looking for someone to ask. But everyone was in such a hurry and didn't want to make eye contact in case I was a mugger or a beggar.

"Anyway, I thought I'd ask a police officer. As usual, there's never any around when you need one, so I thought, 'I know, I'll ask a homeless person. There's always lots of them in large cities. And, hey, they know the streets..."

There was an english man irish man and a Scottish man
the irish man said ill give you a challenge you have to throw your watch over the wall run round and catch it .
So the english man went first he chucked it over the wall ran round and found it smashed on the floor then the Scottish man had his go up over the wall and smash on the floor .
The irish man went up it went he ran to the chippy walked home and ate them went to have a drink at the pub . Went to see his nab-ours . Then went to the wall catch-ed his watched put it on his wrist. The english man said how did you do that ? He said sorry I forgot to tell you may watch was a bit slow!

Sardarji in Delhi

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder".

******

I sh*t my pants, Can I have yours?
=)

What do you call a chav on the moon?
Problem.
What do you call all the chav in the world on the moon?
Problem solved.
 

A little boy went to preschool and his teacher asked,"Billy will you go home tonight and find the first 3 letters on the alphabet?" He says," OK"
so billy goes home and ask his older sister,"Sissy what is the first letter of the alphabet?" His sister says,"Shut up" so billy goes up to his older brother who is playing a batman video game,"brother what is the second letter of the alphabet?" he answers,"dadadadad BATMAN!" billy lastly goes to his father who is watching the steelers game billy says,"daddy what is the third letter of the alphabet?" paying no attention his father sees the steeler made a touchdown and says,"YES!!!!"

So billy goes to preschool the next morning and his teacher says," Billy what is the first 3 letters of the alphabet." billy thinks and says,"shut up". The teacher says," who do you think you are" billy says," Dadadada BATMAN" the teacher asks,"would you like to go to the principals office. Billy tries to remember the last letter and remembers and says,"YES!!!!"